Remaining Up With Put-downs
In creating abundance and success in our lives, we are doing our best to remain up and positive, happy and vibrant in most of our day to day lives.
It has happened to us all at some time or another.
Someone makes comment to /about you that is insulting, sarcastic, untrue or even mean.
This is called a put-down.
Whilst we are told names will not harm us, for most people these words find their way in and create pain even more easily
When you deal with people in life (& the more you deal with people, the more likely you are to encounter situations), it is important, for your own peace of mind and well-being to respond appropriately to a put-down both to maintain your own equilibrium and possibly to prevent further encounters with the other person.
Over the years I have dealt with 1000’s of people in a myriad of life situations.
Some more harsh experiences than mine, others a lot less. It is an interesting thing that although unpleasant at the time, those negative experiences you have in life really do make you stronger and often put these type of encounters in perspective.
I remember meeting a wonderful staff member who was placed in the complaints department of the company he worked with. He was a delight, nothing was ever a bother, he apologised to everyone he met and looked for ways to make their experiences better and find a solution for them.
Upon chatting to him further he shared that he and his fiancée had been planning a dream honey moon, when they received the unexpected news of their pregnancy. The honeymoon went on hold and all monies went into the planning of the birth.
The child lived for several hours and passed away, grief stricken he called in unable to attend work the next day and was fired as a result of this. They picked up the pieces and in time dealt with the experience life had presented them. He explained to me that when someone is upset, he knows how it feels and that compared to some life experiences, it’s not really such a big deal to apologise and see what you can do to assist. I never saw him lose his cool with a customer & I learnt such a lot from him about customer relations. (On a footnote, he received amazing karma later in life, blessed with 2 beautiful daughters and an unexpected windfall allowed for the honeymoon and a family vacation and promotion in his new company).
I also realised in business that when a customer is upset, generally (as they have never met you personally) it is not personal. They have an expectation (right, wrong or otherwise) that has failed to be met. As a business it is our job to find out what that expectation was and see if it can be met in some way. Some times, pointing out where the expectation was wrong and thanking them from bringing it to your attention is enough to keep them happy.
I always begin calls/emails with “thank you for your query”
I think it is so important to realise that the customers (& this applies to your friends and family too) ARE your business (in the case of friends and family – your life), they determine your success in many ways and getting upset over all matters doesn’t work for anyone, most of all – you!
I have learnt to find the path of least resistance, to listen to what they are upset about, to point out if that is not accurate why it is not and of course thank them for sharing with you.
99% of people are reasonable and are simply looking for a solution to meet their expectations.
Years ago, I was studying teacher training for natural therapies workshops and the question arose what to to do if a student was genuinely unhappy and wanted to leave the class you were teaching – should they receive a refund?
Heated discussion ensued, sharing stories of advertising money spent, time put aside in taking the bookings, preparation for class, the possibility of missing another student due to this one taking the place.
At the end of the conversations we looked to our trainer and asked “what would you do”?
She said simply – “I’d refund them, I don’t want students there who don’t want to be there and I don’t want an energy debt hanging over my head that allows them to speak badly of me, but then that’s just my thoughts and you need to choose for yourself”
An interesting thought................
So what to do when someone is unhappy with you................
The next time you find yourself the recipient of a put-down, here are some thoughts to assist to ease a potentially unpleasant situation:
1. Listen
- Listen to the persons concerns - Don't interrupt. Allow them to say everything they want to, even if it means allowing them to vent at you
- Breathe – often when upset, we forget this and our breathing becomes shallow
- Remain quiet – there is no need to answer immediately
- Realise that you may feel extremely angry, watch your body for signs of this such as clenching your jaw, tightening muscles, rapid heart beat, etc
- Respond with calm words – even if it is really hard and feels really wrong at the time
- If you find you react (rather than respond), generally you will give away your own power and only make the situation worse
2. Say sorry, even if you are in the right, you can say “I am sorry you feel that way” it won’t kill you. If you are in the wrong, definitely apologise and thank them for bringing it to your attention.
It is pretty hard for someone to stay screaming at you when you are calm and accepting their thoughts.
3. Acknowledge their concerns and their feelings. A good response may be “I understand how frustrating that may have been for you”.
4. Offer to take the matter further, eg – I will certainly bring the problem to our next meeting and we will have a discussion to ensure this does not happen again. Or – if it is a personal situation perhaps – “I understand how that must have been difficult for you, but this is the first I have heard of it, I am certainly willing to discuss it further or find another solution”
5. Sometimes – the person is so out of control that there is just nothing you can do to fix the problem, I often find it helps to give it back to them by saying, “what would you like me to do now”
They may continue about how angry they are, then you can add “I know you are angry, I apologise for what has taken place, what can I do now, that would make this situation better”
Sometimes you’ll still be met with anger, but most times, people will calm down and tell you what they want. (if in a personal relationship – it may be something as simple as “when you walk through the door, instead of sitting on the couch, I’d like you to ask if there is anything you can do to help” – you will probably find the answer is no or ‘give me a hug’ or ‘pour a cup of tea/wine for us both’ the 1st person just wanted to be valued.
4. In extreme cases, you may need to assert yourself.
In order to remain empowered, it is important that you respond - calmly and in peace. But don't ignore the put-down.
I had a school mother accuse my daughter of the most awful things in the car park once and called my daughter all manner of names, I responded with “I can hear that you are extremely angry and that you don’t feel your needs have been met, however name calling is absolutely unacceptable and uncool”
I continued on with “I don’t know how it works in your household, but in mine if someone is unhappy about a situation, they express the concern, share their thoughts and feelings and band together to find a solution that is acceptable to everyone. This is the only situation that is acceptable to me. If you wish to find a solution to this then we are most happy to sort it out with you, however the way in which you are expressing yourself is not acceptable to the school, to the children and to any families involved”
(I wasn’t sure which way this would go at this point, fortunately she backed right down, knowing her words had been unacceptable & had embarrassed herself, she rushed off in a flurry, saying she would talk at a later time and it wasn’t appropriate for her now”.
I allowed that to be her chosen outcome and finished with “that’s fine, I can see you aren’t in the best space right now and we are willing to discuss this when you are feeling clearer” As it turns out, she made a big drama out of it all, however the important point is that it did not throw my balance and equilibrium out as it would have if I had of taken offense and responded in anger)
Sometimes, as hard as it is, you need to allow things to be unresolved – perhaps for ever – but the important point is that you left the door open should the other person wish to respond from a balanced state
Perhaps some of the following responses may assist:
- "I hear what you are saying, but the way you are saying it is not acceptable."
- "What you said is not true, and I don't appreciate your way of expressing it."
- "The reason I did what I did is because ..."
- “I understand how the situation may be very frustrating to you, however, from my side…………..”
- “I understand you are feeling hurt, this was never my intention, what I meant was………..”
- “what can I do to make this situation better right now?”
Do you believe in creating your own destiny?
The next time you have a day that starts out badly, remember it is never too late to change it.
- Stop, take a few deep breaths, connect to the universe and listen to your own self talk.
- What are you saying to yourself?
- Change your internal conversations, visualize your delicate beautiful innocent child within and love it
- Be kind to yourself, wink at yourself in a mirror and say “looking good sweetie” even if you don’t believe it!
- Smile to yourself
- Think about your best qualities
Watch how your day changes & the differences in how things unfold, just because it starts out badly, doesn’t mean it has to continue that way and if it does, forgive yourself before you go to bed.
- Take a shower and say as you bathe “With love I cleanse by body, with love I cleanse my soul”
- Spray a mister of Renascent Emergency essence over you to release any shock of tension the aura is carrying.
- Mist a drop or 2 of Renascent Tiger Eye essence around the body to calm the mind and switch off too many thoughts running around in the head.
- Apply a dab of Renascent sleep balm to promote deep restful sleep
- Give thanks…………………….. every night, think of 5 things you have had today that you can be grateful for: can’t think of any:
Did you eat today – many didn’t
Do you have a bed to sleep in – many don’t
Do you have a roof over your head – many don’t
Do you have someone that loves / loved you – many are alone
Are you reading this – the abundance of owning /borrowing a computer is a pipe dream for many
Once you have given thanks, send blessings out into the world for those less fortunate than yourself
Pray for those who upset you to awaken from their pain and move into the light
Go to sleep with a light heart & a smile!
